Let’s Talk About Boundaries

The world is, to put it mildly, BATSHIT right now. On every level, from personal to governmental, people are crossing boundaries. I’m not talking immigration here (Hi! I’m an immigrant. Immigration is important and overall beneficial.) I’m talking about crossing ethical boundaries. I’m talking about ignoring others’ personal sovereignty.

If your personal boundaries are solid, dealing with the rest of the world will be much easier. That’s what this post is about.

*All people and situations here are totally, completely fictional and definitely not based on any people or events living or non-living on this plane, the astral, or the Other. This is absolutely not dripping with sarcasm, I promise. Fairies can’t lie. But humans can.*

What a boundary cross looks/feels like:

Sometimes these are direct and obvious. You tell someone not to do something, and they ignore it and cause you harm. Those ones are usually pretty easy to spot. Usually. If you’ve had any kind of interaction with the myriad types of emotional manipulators, then you may recognize a setup. Somebody does something you’ve explicitly said is a violation, you warn them, they do it again, and you stand your ground. Now, this person will react as if you attacked them, may even cause a big scene and flounce, and leave you looking like the aggressor.

This is super frustrating because there’s little you can do about it, but stay firm and not give it fuel, even if the other side pours gasoline on it.

Here’s what a general boundary cross looks like:

You: Hey, I have this thing I would like you not to do, because it hurts me. This is a limit for me.

Them: I understand. Accidentally does the thing at a later point

You: Remember that thing I told you was a limit for me? You crossed it, and it hurt.

Them: You’re right. I’m sorry. It was unintentional, but I see that I hurt you. Here’s what I’m going to do to ensure that doesn’t happen again. What can I do to help make this right?

This is what accountability looks like. This is what not dismissing the effect of your actions looks like. This is healthy. (I know a lot of people don’t understand what “healthy” looks like. It took me a long time to learn.) Most times, people just make mistakes, and they don’t mean to hurt you. People aren’t perfect, like, at all. Most times, the problem isn’t the mistake someone made, it’s the way they handled it. Did they even acknowledge how it harmed? Did they call you crazy or oversensitive? Did they say you were overreacting and had no right to be upset? Or did they avoid any questioning altogether and just try to shift all the blame onto you? Did they make the whole incident your fault, and not a shared conversation to work through together?

When a Boundary Becomes a Wall:

It does take a lot to set your ego aside and admit that you might have done wrong. It’s hard. A lot of us grew up with dysfunctional systems that showed us all the wrong ways to react to situations and none of the right ways. However, this is not an excuse to continue that cycle. And when family or friends aren’t willing to step up and show up, sometimes the best way to handle the situation is to stop interacting with them altogether. This may be for some time, until there’s been some self-reflection and growth, in which case a renegotiation may be possible. Or it may be permanent.

In my life, I have cut off all contact with most of my blood relatives, permanently. Their refusal to take any accountability after decades of chances left me no other healthy option. There are other people I have cut out because I recognized the patterns, and wasn’t going to give them decades. I’ve also cut out people who told me I needed to contact people who were abusive to me.

If someone has been abusive to you, you do not, EVER, need to contact them to make anyone else more comfortable.

I have walked away from people whose actions didn’t align with their words. If someone claims to be a friend and then never shows up, that’s misalignment. Likewise, if someone claims to be a friend, shows up, and then itemizes and weaponizes every instance they “selflessly” were there for you, that’s also a red flag. Healthy relationships are there for each other. It’s not always 50/50, but it’s balanced.

A healthy boundary lets you know, “Something is off here, and we need to discuss it.” If it can’t be discussed reasonably and with compassion and goodwill on both sides, then it might be time to reevaluate that connection and whether it should continue. If someone can’t talk about it but still wants all the benefits of being welcomed back in, too bad. 

There are people I would be willing to hear from, even after twenty years, if there has been enough growth and accountability, and a sincere effort to be better from now on. Some people have come back, wanting readmittance to my life, and have been denied because there was no growth or accountability. They just realized they missed my influence, and they want it back.

This is where discernment comes in, and it’s case-by-case. Does this person deserve another chance, and even if they do, do you want them back in your life? If someone has really grown, they will accept “no” as the consequence of their action. 

This is a Witchy/Fae Blog, Where’s the Magic?

Ok, let’s talk boundary magic. There are some practical things you can do.

#1: Shadowwork.

You have to hold yourself accountable if you expect others to. Find the places where you might be a jerk and work on those. We all have them. If you’re convinced you don’t, I promise you, you are The Problem.

#2: Know your worth.

You don’t have to give every ounce of yourself to be a giving person. You don’t have to be a doormat to be loved, or even regarded. It’s a great way to get trampled. Endless self-sacrifice is not a virtue. You need some spine. You have to say, “I am worth being treated well,” and mean it. And don’t accept less. There are people out there willing to pay a premium for your presence. Find them. If you want something to offer others, you have to cultivate it. Your space is your kingdom. Be truly sovereign. Let no other king take it from you. Don’t hand it over to people who won’t care for it.

#3: Start with your person.

Your body, your autonomy. Things like certain items of clothing, jewelry, or hairstyles can be physical manifestations of your personal boundaries and give you a sense of power. I wear my hair in braids in public. When it’s loose, people want to touch it (it’s very long). Braids keep my energy where it needs to be. I also have certain pieces of jewelry that reinforce personal boundaries and make me feel like I have appropriate armor given the situation. You can even use makeup and glamor magic. Create a filter for what people can see and who can get beyond certain limits. Even telling someone, “I don’t want a hug,” can be a powerful way to reinforce your personal space. 

#4: Continue with your space.

I treat my house as if it has a consciousness, like the house in “Encanto.” This house works with me and my energy to create warmth, comfort, and safety. It filters energy like it filters weather. I went beyond my walls to my neighborhood and connected with the land and nature. I have befriended all the birds in my little village (rooks, jackdaws, magpies, and fierce little robins), and my garden is fluttering with little winged guard beasts. If something is off, I will hear their calls. This could be an energetic or physical intruder— they have warned me of both.

How have I created this Encanto house? Intention. Use what works for you. If you’re a plant person, use herbs or plants on your windowsills and doors. If you’re a Crystal Bitch™️ like me, rocks that you charge with intent work. Connect with your guards and guides and ask for their assistance. I regularly inspect and repair my house wards, physical and astral, in tune with the moon cycle. Sure, the moon is magical, but also, it’s just a good way to keep a schedule. I’m better at knowing what phase of the moon it is than I am at remembering dates or days of the week. 

Final Thoughts:

If your personal boundaries are strong, if you know your worth and know you can step away from harmful, abusive, or just obnoxious people and situations, then most of the hard work is done. You can put your energy where it’s flourishing and starve the things that drain it. Focus on what heals you, what you can feed that feeds you back, and you won’t have to work too hard when someone crosses into spaces they’re not welcome. They’ll just be denied entry and can mope outside until they go away.

On the rare occasion somebody does their work and knocks on your door, even after a long time, you can invite them into your magical space to be fed and welcomed home. And it will be worth the wait because you made it so.

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